Dude, who even knows.
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Old personality may have been fairly inhibited from acting (I say through gritted teeth, handing that “Act!” anon a win) but in lieu would engage in very extensive planning, understanding theory of how action would be done, etc., so I now I can pretty much step up and walk away with it
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So remember how since Covid got into my brain and wiped out my anxiety processing I’m unable to feel guilt, shame, loss, regret, worry or terror?
I just realized this means that because I’d never been before now I’m NEVER going to know the loss of being dumped
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As the personality change stuff continues to shake out it’s settling into “I’m putting far less pressure on myself and it’s much easier to kick back and relax, also I am at all times aware that the finite amount of my life remaining before I die and cease to exist forevermore is inexorably running down”. It’s a weird dynamic.
Question with 12 notes
Anonymous asked:
Hi, I don't mean to be rude or a bother, but can you please elaborate what "Caused enough damage there (In reference to your brain) that my existing personality was no longer viable" means? From your post on February 25 relating to jerking off to guys.
(re:)
Uh, well it definitely did cause brain damage, I’m not sure how much cell death vs. temporary interference there was because while some things – memory issues, tingling in extremities, fine muscle control – cleared/came back, others – anxiety, sexual orientation – didn’t, and I suspect some of the stuff that came back the original brain cells were destroyed and other ones eventually figured how to fill in in the same way the original ones had in infancy.
As for the rest, well there was just total depersonalization. Like if I was standing in a room with Bob and Charlie, I did not feel present in the scene, like “this is a room containing Bob, Charlie, and Kontextmaschine”, I felt like “this is a room containing Bob and Charlie, and I am the god’s-eye camera perspective”. Even while Charlie could ask me a question and I could hear it, evaluate it, compose an answer and say it, and it wasn’t like I was like “gah, who said that?”, but yet I did not have the sense there was a person who had committed that speech act.
Likewise I could eat food, and realize I was out of food and go to the supermarket and buy what I was used to or looked interesting, and I had the sensory experience of its taste, but I could not tell you if it was any good, because that would be in someone’s opinion, and there was no person having those experiences.
This fact pattern would also support “I entered a depersonalized state no personality could get through, and by the time it cleared my (original) personality had changed”, there’s not really any way to distinguish them and it’s kind of arbitrary.
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So when I say the anxiety zeroing means I can no longer feel guilt, shame, loss, regret, worry, or terror people have asked me if I miss the ability to feel them, and the answer is no, because I don’t feel loss.
Post reblogged from Kontextmaschine with 15 notes
Staying up til 8 is just so much more trivial when you only sleep 6 hours a night
So far what I’m attributing to downstream effects of the anxiety zeroing, where I went from having an anxiety disorder to not processing anxiety at all:
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Just want to once again point out that “you become smooth and charismatic and get girls easy and become thin and fit with no effort and also you turn bi” was quite literally what I wished for when I was 13
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Anonymous asked:
i would love to hear more about your theory on the connection of bisexuality and anxiety!!
Well part is that yeah people are famously more bisexual on stimulant/anxiolytic cocaine, part is my experience of suddenly being bisexual right when the “anxiety” part of my brain went dead and that honesty manifesting as a bit of a looseness – like I grew up in the 90s knowing to harrumph “being bisexual isn’t a matter of low standards, fucking anything that walks and wot”, but honestly that was how it manifested for me, I was also open to a much wider range of body and personality in women.
(I also knew to be better than the stereotype of bisexual infidelity, fucking everyone they meet, only to see myself repeatedly blindly, unintentionally stumbling into sex [with women–I genuinely have no idea how sexual connection with men works, I wasn’t into them in dumb horny puberty to figure it out by trial and error], seducing people by accident because I had zero experience in seducing people by intention)
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One takeaway from the personality change and particularly the autistic/allistic thing, if you think apologies are easy to make it’s only because you just use words to make goodfeels and don’t actually care about ideas or invest yourself in them, at which point why on earth should anyone act like your feelings matter, anyways?
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Also hilarious personality change memories: how my entire concept of “self” was tectonically shifting but that included how I relate to not-selves so I found it hard to talk about with others, but I was severely disinhibited and forgot “coming out to your parents” was supposed to be a big deal so when I suddenly noticed I was bisexual I casually told both of them in passing
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