Dude, who even knows.
Post reblogged from Kontextmaschine with 9 notes
Realizing that now that the anxiety zeroing means I don’t need the anxiolytic effect of alcohol (that’s what “I don’t need alcohol/drugs to have fun!” means) and I’m also not compulsively drawn to order and down drinks just cuz I’m at a bar, I could stand to go driving further afield at nights.
The one downside is my developed ability to see (and understand what I’m seeing) in 3D drops to like 25% at night now. Even in evening twilight it gets hard to determine if something in the middle distance is 2 blocks or half a block away.
Also sad to say I think I lost a permanent bonus to Awareness checks when the anxiety disorder went away.
Post with 4 notes
Oh in all the new personality stuff I’ve been talking up the kinda extra-psychiatric stuff like the anxiety zeroing and allism, but a lot of the improvement really is in the structure of personality, the stuff talk therapy can get at, the old one was totally wiped out and I had to construct this one under conditions of depersonalization.
But of the analytical, intellectual mind being intact and functional and able to guide the process usually conducted in infancy and childhood (though honestly I suspect the autism brought a degree of naive conscious construction to the old personality too) with the benefit of decades of experience and knowing what the personality needed to be suited for
Plus there’s further bonuses from how it comes together – like there’s a whole category of stuff that, having lived with an anxiety disorder for decades under the old personality, is now trivial to handle; there’s another huge category of things I no longer need to construct defenses against because without anxiety I do not feel them at all
One interesting question is with the autism gone and interpersonal vibe resonance boosted, would people’s deaths (or even just disapproval) affect me more if not for the anxiety zeroing?
Post with 1 note
They’re jackhammering right outside my door to remove the temporary asphalt sealing a new utility pole in its sidewalk hole and install permanent cement I guess, and apparently part of the anxiety zeroing is this is not actually a more difficult sound to ignore or sleep through than any other
Post reblogged from Kontextmaschine with 3 notes
Hm, no yeah I’m pretty sure the mania did fire prematurely and proportionately weaker AND it’s doing the “anxiety returns” variant is I don’t have an anxiety disorder now, but I am able to experience anxiety again (and thus shame, guilt, regret, etc.)
So in totality this is novel - I’m not always finding negative angles to things but I do dwell on particularly unpleasant ones, my outlook for the course of events isn’t really more negative – I don’t see any new threats – but not immune – I’m not as expectant there won’t be threats –and certainly less golden sunshine day positive.
Though I do see a potential for a good future broader than what I thought of as “the sun-dappled clearing”
Also less eye-rolling about people drawing negativity from contemporary trends or events – there’s some bad shit going on!
Oh, this also means I miss the absence of a romantic partner again – it’s actually a whole new vista, thinking about romance under a normal anxiety regime.
Really does feel like some Binding of Isaac-ass shit where I cleared normal mania enough times I got moved on to a whole new level and when it was through my manias came with random modifiers each time. Keeps the gameplay experience fresh.
This is better than the anxiety disorder by a bit, but honestly the zeroed anxiety is best.
Post with 7 notes
So apparently in addition to – since the anxiety zeroing – no longer being able to miss things I’ve lost, I am also unable to pine for things I’ve never had, which means I can’t sit around feeling for the wife I never had.
This would inhibit my ability to ever execute that “They Killed Your Wife” reactionary campaign.
Post with 35 notes
So when I say the anxiety zeroing means I can no longer feel guilt, shame, loss, regret, worry, or terror people have asked me if I miss the ability to feel them, and the answer is no, because I don’t feel loss.
Post with 1 note
One thing about your normal sleep cycle going from 8 to 6 hours is the “well I did sleep and am qualified to get up, but if I do I’ll be tired soon, but can I even fall asleep again?” thing happens after 4 hours instead of 6
Post with 2 notes
So took some CBN gummies to go abed and wow huh not just the unpleasant aspects I just don’t naturally feel cozy sleepy like this any more. It’s much easier to fall asleep now so I don’t really need it, but it’s kinda crazy that years later I’m still documenting patch notes on this stuff
Post reblogged from Kontextmaschine with 15 notes
Staying up til 8 is just so much more trivial when you only sleep 6 hours a night
So far what I’m attributing to downstream effects of the anxiety zeroing, where I went from having an anxiety disorder to not processing anxiety at all:
- I can’t feel guilt, shame, loss, regret, worry, or terror, and trauma rolls right off me
- I don’t feel in any worse mood as I get tired, and only sleep 6 hours a night
- It’s much easier falling asleep, I can do it despite much more light, noise, awareness of consequential activity to follow waking, or of an alarm due to wake me at some specific point
- I can go any length of time without communication with others without our relationship being affected by feeling abandoned
- I have no snacking impulse – previously I would eat between meals much more often in what wasn’t experienced as sensation-seeking grazing but reaction to actual hunger I no longer feel
Oh!
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