Kontextmaschine

25th May 2023

Question with 12 notes

Anonymous asked:

Hi, I don't mean to be rude or a bother, but can you please elaborate what "Caused enough damage there (In reference to your brain) that my existing personality was no longer viable" means? From your post on February 25 relating to jerking off to guys.

(re:)

Uh, well it definitely did cause brain damage, I’m not sure how much cell death vs. temporary interference there was because while some things – memory issues, tingling in extremities, fine muscle control – cleared/came back, others – anxiety, sexual orientation – didn’t, and I suspect some of the stuff that came back the original brain cells were destroyed and other ones eventually figured how to fill in in the same way the original ones had in infancy.

As for the rest, well there was just total depersonalization. Like if I was standing in a room with Bob and Charlie, I did not feel present in the scene, like “this is a room containing Bob, Charlie, and Kontextmaschine”, I felt like “this is a room containing Bob and Charlie, and I am the god’s-eye camera perspective”. Even while Charlie could ask me a question and I could hear it, evaluate it, compose an answer and say it, and it wasn’t like I was like “gah, who said that?”, but yet I did not have the sense there was a person who had committed that speech act.

Likewise I could eat food, and realize I was out of food and go to the supermarket and buy what I was used to or looked interesting, and I had the sensory experience of its taste, but I could not tell you if it was any good, because that would be in someone’s opinion, and there was no person having those experiences.

This fact pattern would also support “I entered a depersonalized state no personality could get through, and by the time it cleared my (original) personality had changed”, there’s not really any way to distinguish them and it’s kind of arbitrary.

Tagged: personality change