Kontextmaschine

25th May 2023

Post reblogged from Kontextmaschine with 35 notes

So when I say the anxiety zeroing means I can no longer feel guilt, shame, loss, regret, worry, or terror people have asked me if I miss the ability to feel them, and the answer is no, because I don’t feel loss.

Another thing is apparently since I’m immune to terror now I can drop my AT field and directly contemplate my inevitable death, which had been like staring into the sun – I thought I had been okay with it, apparently I had been more defensively fixated on the (true!) fact that no one has an experience of dying or being dead, that’s defined as the point at which you don’t experience things.

That resolved, it is actively fucking enraging to be limited by a finite lifetime, what the fuck? I have so much more sympathy for Boomers refusing to relinquish their grip on the world.

“You lose all visceral aversion to the specter of death and it makes it much worse” is pretty unintuitive, but here we are.

(Another funny thing is that this is despair you uniquely cannot suicide out of)