Kontextmaschine

17th March 2021

Post with 5 notes

So my brain stuff isn’t at the “pre-crisis”, mild depressive realism with “crystalline” hypomania OR the “crisis” wild instability with “emotional” hypomania

Instead it’s kind of a blending, but instead of unitary hypomanias individual variables – anxiety, inhibition, and disturbingly, willed control seem to swing. I can’t tell whether this is the new form of the hypomanias, a replacement for them, normal human variation within an unfamiliar range in now more attentive to (and does that mean they’re yet to come?)

It is all milder now though. Now I occasionally feel a little dissociated, back then I was fugueing for stretches.
it IS noticeable that attraction to men increased in parallel with this disinhibited/empathetic/unstable combination traditionally associated with gay men and straight women
the disinhibition can be a bitch just cause I don’t know any advance symptoms and so the first sign can be saying something crazy, I’m starting to think reblogging things here might be a sign because “this is cool, give it a like” vs. “everyone should be exposed to this right now” kinda is disinhibition
I think I’ve figured out how alcohol affects me differently now – I used to more appreciate the anxiety-lifting and inhibition-loosening effect, and in fact calibrated around it as my major indicator. Now with those reduced at baseline, it’s less noticeable. Whereas drinking sometimes made me maudlin and often led to bed, it can make me hyper now. Like that time on Lexapro, disinhibition makes me favor straight brown liquor in quantities. The can lead to drinking til dawn, and the next day painful day-lost hangovers that ignite minor manias for up to 3 days themselves. Think I’ll move away from liquor as a usual form.
When ??? not sure yet it tends to disrupt my sleep not by keeping me awake longer or shorter per 24h per se, but switch from 16on/8off to like 28/6/10/3/3/8 or something. Like the rest of this it’s hard to separate from cabin fever this plague year