Folk understandings of sexuality my experience of turning bi awkwardly accords with

So, this spring, as the apparent culmination of some personality changes I had noticed setting in after I heimliched myself the previous year crossed with what seemed to be an increasingly irregular bipolar cycle, I was mentally unstable for a few weeks and when I rebalanced afterwards it was with a slightly different set of basic drives – anxiety and inhibition were appreciably reduced, and though long straight I was now bisexual.

This was, basically, ridiculous, I had written off those “your sexuality may change over the course of life” lines as excuses for the shy to come out after long covering, but if it was happening I might at least harvest the insight of having seen things from different angles. And on reflection, a lot of it fits with a kind of folk mechanics of sexuality I had maybe been dismissing as too vulgar, but well let’s think about that

Bisexuality as “Anything That Walks” low standards

I can’t help but notice that the same personality change strongly limited my anxiety and muted my inhibition, making me more outgoing and chatty and simultaneously expanding the boundaries of women I’d consider as sexual/romantic partners, both body- and -personality-wise. Being open to more sex partners is, in fact, related to being open to more sex partners. Probably related to how everyone’s bisexual on enough cocaine (the definition of “enough” cocaine)

Autogynephilia/MTF as extreme heterosexuality

I identified as female for part of adolescence. That’s long stopped, I’m a boy, but part of what I’m struck by so much in coming to sexually appreciate men and male sexuality is that includes my own, which even aside from direct coming-to-orgasm matters just makes my maleness so much more satisfying to inhabit. And I do wonder how much womanhood being the only thing to appeal to me accounted for wanting to see myself in those terms as a way to recognize and enjoy myself as valid.

Homosexual desire as narcissistic

I guess this is the flip side of that “I can now appreciate things in my male self” thing above. One of the ways I’ve been putting it is I don’t have to jerk off about anything anymore, because “a man’s hand jacking me to orgasm”, “a hard dick in my hand” and “the idea of a guy masturbating” are all hot to me in their own right.

And being into my own body means it’s more rewarding to develop it so I can admire it. For one this makes Ancient Greece suddenly click much harder, for two gay gym culture, and I can see how that gets ridiculous if all your social circle is hot boys who do that, see each other, and then update their sense of normal accordingly. Hopefully the connection with women will keep me from such extreme vicious circles as those guys who were so into Tom of Finland they killed a few of themselves injecting fillers into their balls.

Bisexuals as untrustworthy

For one, shortly into the change I thought about those old “religious right” patriarchs fulminating against homosexuality who turned out to have male lovers, and we’d laugh about repressed homosexuality. But “upright-preaching man has side piece” is dog bites man, and “married man who valorizes male-female coupling as the foundation of society enjoys sex with men” honestly makes more sense as bisexual.

And maybe not so dramatic, but like, I spent several decades expecting my personal and social life to be tied up with relationships with women, with an upbringing that had stronger expectations (and a self-understanding this was a relaxation of stronger expectations still). I’m honestly fine with that – for someone who might be counted as part of some queer coalition I am quite comfortable with quite a bit of heteronormativity, and honestly feel more at home there than in many queerer scenes.

For two, going back to the first point above, this came as part of a package deal of becoming less inhibited and more social, which included talking my way into bed with girls when I didn’t even realize that’s what was going on, more instinctively operating to an “emotional” register of talking where the content is a meaningless substrate for evoking, reflecting, and amplifying sensibilities to make a connection, with a “gift of the gab” that doesn’t know where it’s going until it comes out of my mouth

And I haven’t been in a relationship since this happened, and I think I’ve got a bit better handle on it now using the habits of mind I developed over several more neurotic decades, but I’m just saying there may be a type of person that’s more likely to unthinkingly seduce random people they come across independent of any logical calculation such as “is this in conflict with my exclusive relationship with someone else” and bisexuality may be an indicator.

Bisexuality/pansexuality distinction

I’m told this is a big Discourse but it’s all worthless so I’ve never bothered to see what it’s about but I’ll guess, knowing that if I misrepresent them they don’t matter. When I was straight I was prepared to politely aver that no thanks, I had a cis fetish. In that trans women did not particularly do it for me

(I mean 4chan-type “traps” were defined by appealing to straight male sensibilities, but that wasn’t particularly my thing and the things that were featured chicks without dicks)

and maybe trans men but I doubt I’d be appreciating them as men. Which given the ubiquity of the “fuck my pussy like a girl” thing might even work I suppose (which you can account for as a fujoshi-on-T fantasy without bringing gender into it, on the other “pretend I’m a girl and give me your str8 load” is a pretty classic gay guy pitch)…

By now, I mean I’m sure someone’s constructed a gender identity that definitionally doesn’t appeal to me, or at least they will now that I’ve tempted them, but it’s not so much a thing. I do think of myself as “bi” over “pan” part simply because I established my sense of what sexuality is in the 90s. But part it’s I suspect I’m not valuing the luvvies as they’re identifying but as some varying admixtures of boy and girl which work for me in any proportion. It’s just not terribly important to me what someone really is anymore because I don’t have a major personality feature keying off that

Heterosexuality is really like that

…but I am intimately aware from memory that many people do. Originally I thought of this as “bisexuality is really like that” like, all of a sudden men were not just eligible for sexual ideation but heartwarmingly imagining relationships with. But to flip it around, yeah, until then it was only women that worked with and men were just blank.

Like when I was younger I tried to bihack myself, and I think dismissed any sort of distaste with the idea, and thought I was at least Kinsey 2 (I wasn’t) and even tried hooking up with some guy. I felt his tongue and I’m sure the guy knew his way around a dick but there was no spark to it, other way around it wasn’t degrading but just an unrewarding bother, like giving someone a massage with your mouth while they choke you. So I realized that the fact I never fantasized about men was a good sign I was straight.

So, uh, cut straights the same slack as everyone else, it’s not like they have bad ideas they’re just like that. Gays and lesbians too. including that the boundaries of their attraction won’t necessarily be where you want to carve gender up for your own reasons. Not bad ideas, they’re just like that.