Oh, great, apparently that mulch pitching built my back, shoulders, and arms to the point my shirts are tight again.
I resent that I can’t even complain about this too hard because it’s like “oh, I hate that I’m getting too sexy”
I resent that I can’t really complain about a lot of this stuff really because it’s a totally out-of-nowhere nonconsensual change to my basic experience of life and the world, except it’s so great that both
it would be churlish
it is in fact exactly in line with what I specifically wanted
So right now I am basically in a constant state of
please god above can someone explain to me why we’re still working on self driving cars when trains exist
“we’re training them to interpret road signs!” Train goes same place every day. No road signs.
“when forced to choose between old lady and child, which is more ethical for the car to hit?” Fence around train track. Nobody on the road.
“people with disabilities preventing them from driving themselves can be independent” Yes but also. Train.
“reduces the dangers of fatigue with long distance trucking” Train.
“the technology is not yet price effective for the average driver” Train.
Seriously come on choo choo bitches let’s goooooooooo
The minute you can have a train deliver things to a dozen buildings in a single neighborhood, then you might start to have something resembling a point.
The last mile is the hard part. Trains will never, ever solve it. Short of wild plans to use abundant energy from nuclear to dig massive underground tunnel networks, at which point ‘automatic underground small train’ and ‘automatic underground self-driving cars’ become the same thing - that would probably work if we could get there from here, but we can’t because people are stupid about both tunneling and nuclear power.
From historical experience of the decline of the LA streetcar system in the automotive age, “I can switch to the next lane when someone’s blocking this one”, “I can take an 82-block route along arterial streets but then at the end a 7-block final leg somewhat uphill” and “if this street is too crowded and slow I can use the next parallel major street over” were all critically important things cars but not rail transit can do
Cargo service further requires either space-consuming dedicated sidings or a willingness to have a train just sit in the street unloading for a while (streetcar-era cities sometimes resupplied outlying stores from central-city or dockside warehouses with overnight trams)
The cargo part doesn’t feel strong to me, given that many cities have the same policy with cars - freight only at night, during the day either it’s passengers-only or no cars at all. Usually in old European cities where the streets just can’t handle it.
Well with cars unless it’s a crazy tight street (which in Europe or Japan it might be!) or it’s Manhattan-style double parking, at least you can pass by an unloading truck, for streetcars it’s stopped in the street blocking all other uses along that line
I honestly suspect I’ve been so busy rendering the yard a nice place to hang out Badger’s been pissy I’m not hanging out with him in it these last few warm, sunlight nights
Something having my muscle memory reset makes clear is throwing is a walking-level complex muscle chain process, the stereotype of dads playing catch with their sons really is a primal skill-development thing, and “throw like a girl” was if you hadn’t been trained at all…
There’s still some stuff where I still have to make do by hurling it like a frisbee, using rotation of the arms and a final wrist snap, because overhand still isn’t there
please god above can someone explain to me why we’re still working on self driving cars when trains exist
“we’re training them to interpret road signs!” Train goes same place every day. No road signs.
“when forced to choose between old lady and child, which is more ethical for the car to hit?” Fence around train track. Nobody on the road.
“people with disabilities preventing them from driving themselves can be independent” Yes but also. Train.
“reduces the dangers of fatigue with long distance trucking” Train.
“the technology is not yet price effective for the average driver” Train.
Seriously come on choo choo bitches let’s goooooooooo
The minute you can have a train deliver things to a dozen buildings in a single neighborhood, then you might start to have something resembling a point.
The last mile is the hard part. Trains will never, ever solve it. Short of wild plans to use abundant energy from nuclear to dig massive underground tunnel networks, at which point ‘automatic underground small train’ and ‘automatic underground self-driving cars’ become the same thing - that would probably work if we could get there from here, but we can’t because people are stupid about both tunneling and nuclear power.
From historical experience of the decline of the LA streetcar system in the automotive age, “I can switch to the next lane when someone’s blocking this one”, “I can take an 82-block route along arterial streets but then at the end a 7-block final leg somewhat uphill” and “if this street is too crowded and slow I can use the next parallel major street over” were all critically important things cars but not rail transit can do
Cargo service further requires either space-consuming dedicated sidings or a willingness to have a train just sit in the street unloading for a while (streetcar-era cities sometimes resupplied outlying stores from central-city or dockside warehouses with overnight trams)
So my mother recently got married (mashallah). And she set up this thing where guests were encouraged to take photos of the proceedings on their phones and text them in to a given number, after which they would be played as a slideshow on a screen at the front of the venue. I want you to take a minute to imagine how this went.
It began just about as you would expect. People taking photos of each other and the décor and taking selfies and having a good time. The slideshow was tasteful. Clearly not “professional,” but nice and personal.
And then people start getting a little drunk. A person who signs their work only as “Moo” posts this masterpiece:
[ID: a vertically oriented photo of a garbage can. A long table draped with lavender fabric at which the bride and groom are seated is in the background. The garbage can is centred in the frame, clearly the focus of the photo. End ID]
Someone at my table notices. “Is that… a photo of a garbage can? What?” We all express confusion and have a chuckle about it. Clearly someone is taking the prompt liberally. But the avant-garde approach to what is worthy of documenting does not end here, and our artist soon enters these submissions into the canon:
[ID: photos of a pendant fire sprinkler, a ceiling vent, a lightswitch, and a door handle. the photos show a casual, non-intensive approach to framing (neither perfectly even nor deliberately askew, &c.) end ID]
Meanwhile someone has uploaded this photo of the groom:
He is sitting at the bride and groom’s table alone with his hands clasped in front of him. I can’t show you his face but he has a bit of stubble and is wearing wire-framed rectangular glasses. I can best describe his vibe to you by saying that he wore this newsie cap to his wedding and this made perfect sense.
Using this photo, someone at our table makes their first few volleys:
[ID: the groom cut out of the photo from before and edited into an empty booth at an empty chain restaurant and an empty movie theatre, respectively. End ID]
At this point, basically everyone except the bride and groom have noticed, and are more or less following the evolution of this guérilla art project. Some people are trying to talk the instigators out of submitting their unworthy photos; others are riling them up.
Moo makes several more of their found object entries:
[ID: a cleaning schedule sign on a bathroom wall; a bathroom sign reading “men”; a digital thermostat; a framed photo of a smiling man, the sign for the men’s bathroom reflected in its glass. end ID]
And it goes back and forth like this for a while, Moo submitting objects (a close-up on the tines of their fork; a mop bucket; a framed fish head) and their nameless collaborator, not be to undone, putting the groom into more situations:
[ID: the groom’s head edited onto the body of a cast member in the Broadway musical Newsies, his cap causing him to blend in perfectly; the groom’s head edited onto Jamie’s head from Mythbusters as he poses next to Adam, his cap causing this edit to be perfectly seamless. end ID]
A further development in the form of these submissions occurs when The Editor invents reappropriation and collage, beginning to edit the groom into photos that other people have uploaded:
[ID: the photo of the groom at the table from earlier, edited so that there are two identical grooms sitting side-by-side: text over their heads reads “Just Married!”; another photo of the groom standing and smiling with a drink in his hand, apparently talking to another groom who is holding his stomach, throwing his head back and laughing aloud. end ID]
Meanwhile, Moo has taken his aesthetic ethos to its only possible logical conclusion:
A photo of a urinal. “Fountain,” Moo, iPhone camera, 2023.
People are now watching the screen even more actively, laughing each time a new silly photo arrives in the stream of genuine submissions. Moo submits a photo of a dented Pringles can seen through a grate in the street outside and a photo of a bag of road-salting ice. The photo of the groom at the table is edited so that he sports a towering Cat-in-the-Hat hat instead of the newsie cap; the groom is edited into an astronaut suit on the moon; he and the bride wearing her fur stole are edited as Jackie O. and JFK in the limo (this last The Editor wisely did not upload but sent only to me).
Not content, however, with editing the groom into non-wedding photos or with sabotaging earnest submissions to the photo album, The Editor proceeds to bring us full circle by reappropriating Moo’s recontextualisations, Sherrie Levine-like:
[ID: 1. the photo of the garbage can from earlier, with the groom edited onto the flap that you push garbage through; 2. the groom edited into the photo of the framed photograph from earlier; he has been made greyscale to match the photograph; 3. the photo of the urinal from above, with the groom edited into its bowl. end ID]
The people at Moo’s table (groom’s family) love this last submission (“Urine a Urinal,” Anonymous, iPhone camera, 2023). They watch the screen waiting for it to come up again, and when it does, they shout “there it is!” and laugh and clap.
Alas, our destabilisation of what constitutes artistic merit was not allowed to persist. Like the Society of Independent Artists sticking Duchamp’s “Fountain” behind a partition, the bride and groom silently deleted all of the unworthy submissions from the publicly shared album. Luckily, I saw this coming and was able to document the proceedings.
In conclusion, I recommend not crowdsourcing your wedding photos unless you have a very well-developed sense of humour.
